Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
