what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
