I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
