My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
