Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
