Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
