So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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