Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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