Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
