I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
