i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
