I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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