New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
