I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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