Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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