Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
