im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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