she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Your dad touched me again.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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