Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
