seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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