people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
