I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
