I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
