The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize