My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
