Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
