god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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