We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
