Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
