you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
