Her vagina should come with caution tape.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
