I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
