did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize