I accidentally had phone sex last night
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The feeling are messing with the penis
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
