question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
