Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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