I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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