Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
