Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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