That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
