He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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