I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
