dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
