She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
