Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
