Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
