I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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