i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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