I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize