I heard we made out
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
