Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
