just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
