The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
