i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
