I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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