I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize