Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
