:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
