my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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