I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
