She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
