even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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